The Father Effect

Intro

INTRODUCTION
Our first impressions of God are often connected to our relationship with our own father. Psychologists tell us that fathers are extremely important in a child’s development, especially teens! Good fathers build into our lives, demonstrate strong character and faith, and encourage us to take risks. Yet, many of us grow up without fathers because of divorce or deployments, so let’s take a look at some examples of a father’s impact – good and bad.

Story

This is a story about a hurtful father of a teenaged girl, but it doesn’t start there. On a Club Beyond service project to Romania some years ago, I had a very weird thing happen to me. Now, I don’t normally hear voices in my head, especially ones that I believe to be God’s Spirit speaking to me, but this time I did.

There were about 500 Club Beyond people at this Romanian orphanage, and the first night we gathered all together as I was looking over the sea of teens, my eyes gravitated to a girl who was dressed in black clothes with heavy black eye makeup and jet black hair. She stood out in a morbid kind of way. As I watched her, I heard an internal voice saying, “Tell her to stop doing what she’s doing.” WHAT?? Where did that come from? I don’t even know this girl or anything about her!

I began to think that maybe God was trying to tell me something, so I made a little bargain with God by saying that he would have to give that message again for me to believe it was him (don’t you just love these little deals we make with the All Powerful One?)

The next evening, almost the exact same thing happened, even though I had pretty much forgotten my challenge to the Almighty. Now I was freakin’ a bit, but still resistant. So, I made one more deal. I suggested to God that if I met this girl somewhere in the next couple of days where it was only the two of us, then I would KNOW that this was from him and I would tell her to stop doing what she was doing. Honestly, I thought I was pretty safe with that suggestion since there were 500 of us in a fairly confined area.

The next morning we were all out on the worksite, and realizing that I had forgotten my work gloves, I darted back into the building and up the back stairs that were rarely used. NO JOKE, as I ascended the steps, she descended from the second floor. We literally met on the landing half way between the two floors – no one else around – just the two of us!! Quickly recognizing the God-ordained moment, I spoke to her and said, “I don’t know you really, but God wants me to tell you to stop doing what you’re doing. I don’t know what that means or refers to, but I’m pretty sure you do.” I gulped and continued up the stairs to get my gloves. She said nothing and never once spoke to me the remainder of the week.

Two weeks later, I got a report that a girl on the service project from Wurzburg had reported her dad for sexually abusing her for years. This time she said ‘no’ to him (stop doing what you’re doing) and told her mom and others what had been going on. He was arrested by the MPs and their family was initially shattered through the ordeal. Even worse was that he was a chaplain, and the consequences were possibly more hurtful because of his community position.

Since that incident, I can’t tell you how many young women I have encountered who have been crushed by a hurtful or bad father! Over and over, when I’m in groups of young women, they talk about their struggle to feel loved by their dads, and how the lack of that has led them to seeking love in a lot of crushingly harmful relationships with guys. The gal in this story was covered in black as a statement mostly about how she felt about herself as a result of the physical abuse from her father. I often wonder if she was in constant mourning for her soul and black was her anti-color to cry out on a daily basis.

But girls are not the only ones affected by bad fathering. Many of my male friends – young and old – are still seeking their dad’s approval, even after their fathers have been dead for years! It is an approval that seems to be so absolutely critical to a guy that they will drive themselves for years (even decades) to be successful trying to become the man that their dad would finally approve of.

(Take a look at numerous music videos on the relationships between dads and their kids in the Music section to the right – everything from Kenny Chesney to Eminem)

Thankfully, there are many good fathers and some great dads who love their daughters and are proud of their sons and know exactly how to express that well to their kids. We will look at both some amazing fathers and some broken fathers and how that affects our lives. Because they are so important to our development, we need to know how to adapt to bad or absent fathers and how to celebrate and learn from great dads!  The following Scripture tells of a lavishly good father, so check out this cool story in the Bible.

Bible intro

Many people call this the story of the prodigal son, but I would say that if you know the truer meaning of prodigal (see 411 to the right), you would come to understand that this is a story of a loving and lavishly extravagant father who could be described as acting in a “prodigal” way! This was a parable told by Jesus to demonstrate what the heavenly father is like, but it also gives us glimpses of the attitudes and actions of good human fathers. Men who reflect these characteristics of extravagant love and lavish acceptance are great dads. Not that any of us men will ever do it perfectly, but you may see some ways your own dad acts toward you in this Bible story.

Personal Questions
1. Do you have any friends who are living out of a strong need for approval from their father (usually guys) or need to feel loved by their dad (usually girls)? How do they act that out?
2. How would you rate your relationship with your dad or significant male figure in your life? What things does he do that show love and/or approval?
3. If you were Noah’s kid, what kind of father do you think he would have been? What would you have said when he told you that you were needed to help build an ark for the big flood to come?
4. Overall, how do you think your family is affected by your dad?
Prayer

Heavenly Father, please take care of our dads.

Though they are brave and skilled and protective, they must also be frightened sometimes; 
when they meet challenges and are finding it hard to provide for their families, Lord; when their hearts break because they can't do it all.
 Please help us to let them know how much we love them.
 And how much you love them. 
Amen.

411

Abraham: God changed Abraham’s name from Abram to Abraham. Originally he was named ‘Abram,’ which meant “exalted father” – a bit of irony because he had no children until he was 86 years old. Then God came to him and made a covenant with him saying he would be the father of many nations and changed his name Abraham means “Father of Many.”
Prodigal: from the World English Dictionary, we learn that as an adjective, the word prodigal means 1. recklessly wasteful or extravagant, as in disposing of goods or money 2. lavish in giving or yielding. (Although the son is the one who wasted his inheritance, it is the father who was lavish and extravagant with his love and acceptance!) To the right is a view of related words to the word prodigal from Visual Thesaurus.
Parable: a short story that uses familiar events to illustrate a religious or ethical point. Jesus used parables often to communicate things about the Kingdom of God by utilizing objects or accounts that were familiar to the people he was talking to. The parable of the Lost (or Prodigal) Son was one of three parables describing something that was lost being found; a lost coin and a lost sheep – both very familiar things - to tell of God’s love for the lost person!

Challenge

Go to the shoppette or local drug store and buy a card for your dad. Then write a heart-felt message to him. Be as emotionally mushy or sincere as you want to be. Just go for it in expressing your love for him. Then put it in the envelope and send it to him in the mail (either at your own home or downrange if he’s deployed).

Words

This poem is from this website.

Daddy's Little Girl
by Amanda

Once upon a time

Far far away

Once upon a time in a dream

Once upon a time I was Daddy's little girl

Once upon a time that was me

In my dream I was Daddy's little girl


In my dream he loved me

In my dream we did things together

Like ran races

Jumped rope

I can still feel the cold metal chains of the swing in my hands

But that's not real

Nope

It was once upon a time that

Once upon a dream

Far far away

That was me



In my dreams I was Daddy's little girl

In my dream he loved me

He took me places

Like ice cream shoppes and baseball games

I can still hear the crack of the bat

He took me places like roller skating and Broadway plays

What do you think of that?

But it's not real

It's once upon a time

Once upon a dream

Far far away that was me

Quizical

Here are a few quizzes you can take online. If you’re a guy, the first one is to discover whether you would make a good dad.

The second is a humorous quiz (sort of) that’s funny to read.

This could be an interesting quiz to take and answer as if it’s your dad rather than both parents.

Father Effect 1

Father Effect 2

Father Effect 3

Father Effect 4

Scripture

Genesis 7:1

Hebrews 11:7

Acts 10:1-2

Joshua 24:14-15

Matthew 2:13-23

Video

Scenes from We Were Soldiers
Take a look at a very good military father and how he transitions with his family. He also leads them spiritually, AND loves his wife! Good example!!

Military Dads and their Daughters: a video tribute set to a great country song

Military Dad Surprises Daughter at game: You’re probably familiar with this kind of scene. What a good surprise!

Life Questions
1. Are you aware of any abusive situations by a father of one of your friends (like the one in the story)? Do you suspect anything that seems odd to you? If so, consider talking to your friend about it and reporting any such abuse from a troubled father to the MPs, chaplain or other authority. Don’t let it go unreported because it has serious implications for all involved!
2. What are the ways you have benefitted from having a good dad or strong male figure in your life? Has his faithful service provided for your family through promotions (higher rank, better pay, better housing, etc.) and military awards (special recognition, better assignments, etc.)? Why not thank him for being able to receive some advantage from his provision for you and the family? Do it this week.
3. Write a prayer for your dad on a 3x5 card and put it somewhere you can see it every day, and pray it for him for a whole month. See how that changes your relationship with your dad and how he is impacted.
Reflect

 

  1. Make a list of three things that you really appreciate about your dad.
  2. Think of something important you need to let your dad know about your life (who you like, what challenges you at school, a dream about the future, a fear you have, etc.)?
  3. Based on what you’ve read about a good father in the Scriptures, how is your dad similar or different?