Loss Through Divorce

Intro

INTRODUCTION
“Divorce” is possibly the scariest word you can hear when you’re living with your parents. Maybe it’s a word you’re no stranger to; maybe it’s a word you have heard recently.
If your parents are going through a divorce, then you know it’s not just something they themselves are going through, but the experience affects the whole family. As if being a military teen wasn’t complicated enough, now your parents want to throw this in the mix. We get it, it’s hard! You don’t want to lose a parent this way. You may be wondering, “What now? Does anybody hear me? Does anybody care?” Well the truth is, people do care and more importantly, God cares. He is there for you, even in the midst of this tragedy and loss.

Story

Last week I was sitting at home curled up on the couch reading a book. Maybe it’s not your ideal way to spend a hot summer morning, but things change as you get older, and, for me, it was perfect. That was when my phone rang. I looked at the number and immediately recognized it…work. Half of me was excited to get called in; I actually really enjoy my job. The other part of me was dismayed. I had just reached the climax of my book! I stuck my finger in the page and answered the phone.

When I got off the phone I hurried down to my room, grabbed my sort of clean smelling uniform and headed out the door. I was about to pull out of the driveway when I realized I forgot my caddy towel, so I pulled back in, grabbed it and headed on my way

For those of you who don’t know, getting to caddy is an exhilarating experience, which means I haul around somebody else’s golf bag for 18 holes for approximately five hours in the blazing hot sun. I usually give yardages to the pin, clean clubs, pull the flag and clean golf balls as well. If I’m lucky, there is water on the course, and if I’m really lucky, the man or woman I am caddying for will offer to buy me food after nine holes. What most people don’t realize is the amount of information that can be extracted from a player in five hours. If the CIA needed an undercover agent to pump a spy for information, what better candidate than a young girl hauling around their golf clubs? In five hours I can confidently say that I will know more about them than most of their co-workers, and on some occasions, more than their immediate family. I suppose this is why I enjoy the work, an acceptable way to be nosey.

Anyway, last week I met my last-minute golfer; a younger man, probably early thirties, divorced and living with a girlfriend he thinks he wants to marry. This of course is one of my favorite topics – relationships - so I begin to ask him how he will propose! He of course has no idea, so I tell him we can figure it out right here between shots.

I’m pretty sure the conversation that followed was not one he had intended to have with me, but all of a sudden it just came pouring out. He told me about how devastated he was to have his first marriage end in divorce. How he had loved so much and had never expected it to end the way that it did. He told me about how he was afraid to propose to his girlfriend because he didn’t want to lose her the way that he had lost his wife. The more I talked to him, the more I realized there was something else going on. As we talked, I led the conversation back to his parents. Asked him how they felt about everything. He told me that his parents had split when he was still young, and while he and his mom still stayed in touch and talked a lot, he didn’t really even know where his father was today.

The round ended and we said our goodbyes, but I was unsatisfied with how the conversation had ended. Maybe he was just having a moment of weakness or something, which is why he shared with me, but I started to think about you guys, those reading this section. I wondered if you have similar fears as this man did. He feared his relationship would end just as he had witnessed his parents’ marriage end. I suppose it is even a reasonable fear, but then I got to thinking about it more. Having experienced the heartache and loss from his parents’ divorce and his own divorce, he was pretty scarred emotionally and super tentative in another relationship.

The difference between this guy I worked for and you is that you already know truth. The truth is that God is the one who guides us and helps to shape us into the young men and women he desires for us to be. Life may have some serious bumps along the way, like your parent’s divorce, but you can’t live in fear! Maybe your parents split, maybe you don’t see one of them anymore, maybe the pain is pretty tough. But not everyone will leave you. You can count on your friends and for certain, you can count on the Lord.

The best advice I ever got was, “Just be you.” As you continue through school and life, keep striving to be a man or woman after God’s own heart. Dig into his word. Learn to be more and more like Christ. Trust in him to guide you. The rest will happen when the time is right. Be you. Act and live honorably, the way you would want a future husband or wife to act. I think of what the apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:4-9…

4May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice!

 5Show a gentle attitude toward everyone. The Lord is coming soon. 6Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. 7And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

8In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. 9Put into practice what you learned and received from me, both from my words and from my actions. And the God who gives us peace will be with you.

The Bible could not be any clearer. Trust in him. Think about good things like what verse 8 talks about and know that God is with us. You don’t have to fear your future marriage or friendships ending or even ‘losing’ a parent in divorce. God will be there, just trust him and be you. 

Bible intro

Take a few minutes and read over this passage of Scripture. Read it slowly. Soak in the words and see what message God has to share with you today. Remember that God’s word is alive, living and breathing, sharper than any double edge sword, meaning his word brings us truth for today and cuts straight to our hearts. Will you hear this truth? 

Personal Questions
1. How has the news about the divorce changed the way that you see things around you? How has your life changed so far? How do you anticipate it changing more? Has the divorce caused you to fear different things? Worry? About what?
2. What are things you can do for your siblings that will help them through this transition? Is your heart in a place where you can help them? Have you been able to be honest with God about your own hurt? Why or why not? How has this helped?

3. Is there someone outside the family you have been able to talk to about this transition? Maybe the divorce happened a long time ago but you still feel effects from it. Know that it’s normal for that to happen. Find a trusted mentor you can talk to about how you are feeling, maybe someone from Club Beyond, school or a coach.
4. What has been the hardest part of the divorce for you? How have you been able to cope with it?
Prayer

God, sometimes life is hard. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel and running away. Family can be so difficult. Sometimes I don’t even feel like they can see the hurt and pain they have caused me, but I know that you do see where I am. I know you see straight into my heart. Help me to heal Lord. Help me to stand; hold me up so I can walk. Guide me as I walk through this storm. I don’t want to stay down. Help me to depend on you in all that I do and guide me as I navigate these unknown waters. I know you are good. Remind me of that as I walk. Remind me that I do not have to be afraid, that I can trust you to guide my future, and I can trust those around me that you have put me in relationship with. Soften my heart God. Open my eyes to your love. Comfort me when I am weak, when I am hurting, and help me to love unconditionally the family and friends you have surrounded me with no matter how crazy things get.
I love because you loved me first. Bless me with your wisdom.
In Jesus powerful name,
Amen

Words

Check out this psalm King David wrote. You see everyone goes through different struggles; the difference is to whom do you turn when things look bad or you’re unsure of what to do next. King David trusted in the Lord, and God was faithful. Read over this psalm a few times. Feel the raw emotion penned down. Maybe you can relate to the feelings David shared. Maybe you didn’t have words for it before. Borrow David’s. Cry out to God. He is there and he is listening. Trust in him to guide you.

Psalm 6

A Prayer for Help in Time of Trouble

1Lord, don't be angry and rebuke me!    

Don't punish me in your anger!

2 I am worn out, O LORD; have pity on me!    

Give me strength; I am completely exhausted

3 and my whole being is deeply troubled.

How long, O LORD, will you wait to help me?

4 Come and save me, LORD;    

in your mercy rescue me from death.

5 In the world of the dead you are not remembered;    

no one can praise you there.

6 I am worn out with grief;    

every night my bed is damp from my weeping;    

my pillow is soaked with tears.

7 I can hardly see;    

my eyes are so swollen    

from the weeping caused by my enemies.

8 Keep away from me, you evil people!

The LORD hears my weeping;

9 he listens to my cry for help    

and will answer my prayer.

10 My enemies will know the bitter shame of defeat;    

in sudden confusion they will be driven away.

Quizical

Take a few minutes to check out this online quiz. Often times when we experience different life circumstances that are hard, we can feel stuck and unsure of what to do. Look at quiz 1 parts one, two and three. Each part focuses on a different aspect of life--your pursuit of education, mental mindset, and the ways in which you typically take action.

While taking these quizzes, look at the questions they ask. What do they recommend to improve your mental mindset or self-awareness? Why do you think they value education when thinking about a person’s well being? And finally, what are different ways they recommend taking action? They may not explain in detail the different ways they suggest taking action, but create your own version of it!

Remember that being aware of ourselves, helps us to better help and understand others, particularly your family as they walk through this season of life. Think about how you can apply these things to them. 

http://www.wellnessnotebook.com/web1/

Scripture

Mark 11:24 - Here Jesus tells us to ask him for what is on our minds, to believe that he will answer us. Even with this pain, God will bring something better with time.

Malachi 2:16 - “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel. “I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife.”

Psalm 56:3-4 - When you are afraid, trust God.

Psalm 18:19 - Even in the hard times, family is something you can count on. It just looks a little different now. Open yourself up.

Proverbs 12:18 - It can be easy to lash out and be angry, but be careful with your words, remember that others are hurting to. Know that your words can bring healing to those around you.

Matthew 6:25-34 - Know that you do not need to worry about your future, live according to God’s word and he will take care of you.

Video

Intolerable Cruelty: Here we watch as Clooney gives an impromptu speech about the power of love. This clip gives us a glance of hope. Not all marriages will fail; they just need someone to help them along the way. 

Kramer vs. Kramer: Here we see a short clip of a young boy confused by his mother’s choice to leave him and his father. He thinks it is his fault that his mom left, but his father makes sure to tell him the truth which means admitting his own shortcomings.  

Life Questions
1. Go back and read over Psalm 40. Are there pieces of those verses that you can relate to more than others? What are they? How does it make you feel knowing that you are not alone in your feelings?
2. Go back and read Philippians 4:4-9. What can you take from those verses? What will you do after having read them? Do these verses offer you hope? How?
3. Maybe the divorce happened a while ago now. What are some good things that have come from the divorce (Stepparents whom you like? More one-on-one time with your mom or dad? A different school? New friends? Deeper relationships?) Even when hard things happen, there is good that God will bring about. Write them out and thank God for the good that has come about. If you’re still going through it, take the time to pray that God would guide you as you continue on.

4. Do you have a third place where you are known? Often times we are known at school and at home, but do you have a third place where you are known and can be you? Sometimes that can be a place like the church or Club Beyond; other times it can be a sports team or club you are a part of. If you don’t have one, find this place. It should be a place where you can come and be, a place where all the troubles of home can be left behind for a while. Make a list of places you want to try to make your third place. If you have a place already, how has it helped you throughout this past year or so as you transition?
Reflect

Whether your parents are just now getting a divorce or did a long time ago, sometimes it is good to get another perspective. Check out this article to see what it has to share about divorce, why it happens and specifically what you can do to help your parents out during this process. It can be easy to forget that our parents are struggling too, so pay close attention to that section. See what you can learn and, if you have siblings, see what they think too.

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/Parents/divorce.html#

Lol

Sometimes life can bite us in the butt or in the Crood’s case, stick you in the foot. But when life gets hard, there is opportunity for something good; you just have to know how to find it.